It's Sunday

It's Sunday. I have two papers to write and I don't feel like it.

I did in fact cut myself last night...I know, I know it's bad.

"Stand by for another breakdown"

Depression is a sucky thing. I told my mother about it, I said "I feel like I'm getting depressed". Here response "well that's bound to happen after the way you've been acting" and then "just think about school and do well on your finals". Is that all she cares about? My fucking finals? I don't really give a shit right now. Funny. When I'm manic I don't care, when I'm depressed I don't care.

I was talking to a few people online and they said perhaps I should go to the ER. Well, they don't do shit at the ER. They keep you for 8-12 hours. They make you talk to the on-call pdoc or therapist. And then they send you home. I've been when I was suicidal and they sent me home. I've been when I've overdosed and they sent me home. About 2 months ago I was in the ER for a mild overdose of diet pills and all they did was take blood and give me an EKG. I was even taken in an ambulance. I didn't get IV fluids or anything. In fact, I didn't even talk to an on-call pdoc. Go figure. I wasn't watched by anyone and was alone about 95% of the time. I got the feeling that I annoyed them. I finally was angry enough to ask to go home. It took about 15 minutes for the doctor to come and discharge me. I called a cab, went back to my dorm, and vomited until 2am the next day. I was unable to make it to class for the remainder of the week, and this was a Monday overdose.

If there's one thing I dislike about overdosing it is vomiting. I hate it so badly. This probably has to do with my previous overdoses and nearly dying because of vomiting. I'll talk about my experience with overdosing in the next post.

Anyway, I probably will take an overdose tomorrow. Of Excedrin PM. Nothing can stop me. I'm thinking irrationally here. I should tell someone. I know I should. I don't know what to do anymore.