1 down 2 to go

Thank God that Serax kicked in! I'm much more calm now, and got through my exam. There was one question which wasn't even covered! I was like...what the hell? And my jaw sort of dropped. I was like...well...shit I'll write a note "was this even in the powerpoint" and then just bullshitted the whole reason. HAHA. I'm definately asking for more Serax when I see my pdoc next week. I'm running low right now, have enough to make it through finals though. And NO I'm not addicted! I only use it when I have to, like today when I was totally on the verge of a panic attack.

Now I have to write a short paper (1 page summary) that will go in my Portfolio.

What kinda pissed me off was that I didn't really sleep well last night. Had a horrible headache and was waking up every hour. I wanted to sleep until 10am but I couldn't stand it so I got up at about 9:30am.

So I feel like I should update on my eating disorder. My weight has been stable, and I actually gave in to weighing myself after not doing so for weeks. I weighed 149lbs...keep in mind that I'm 5'10 so that, according to others, is still slim. Of course, I don't see that. I have been debating of starving myself over christmas break. I don't know if I will. Hmmm. What triggers me is that last January I gained 20lbs in 2 week by bingeing on about 10,000 calories a day without purging. Yes, I'm not lying. I really want to be the weight I was before I gained that weight which was 125lbs. Also, in April of 2008 I reached my lowest weight ever of 112lbs, of course I was on the waiting list for an eating disorder unit - I never went there though. So that's just more triggers...wondering if I'll make it to that weight again. I want to be a size 3/size 1 again. I still have the clothing piled in my bedroom...wishing that I'll fit again. And the sad part is my sister, who is 13, is that size! Oh well, I guess I'll see how it goes.