Hospital Experience

I know I said my next post would be overdose experience but I feel the need to post this first.


Before anyone comments that I need to go to the ER for my depression, let me explain my ER experience.

I've been to the ER 3 times for suicidal ideation. It's a waste of time in my opinion. You walk in, register at the desk an get your nice little bracelet. Your case is marked as either "emergent" or "urgent". Emergent is if you have a "threat" and urgent is if you're having thoughts. I was "emergent" after I asked my school counselor how much Advil was needed to die, and then they found 19 Advil on me (they searched my bags which...that's a different story). Either way you don't wait long in the waiting room, as it's a dangerous place there apparently. You're either put in a regular room if you'r urgent or you're in room 17 if you'r emergent. Room 17 has extremely bright lights, a camera, a big glass window...and you get the point, no privacy. You're not allowed to keep your clothing. If you're Urgent and you brought someone, they can stay with you. If you're Emergent and brought someone, they can stay AND you get a security guard outside your door. He doesn't smile. He doesn't speak except when he comes in and wands you (despite being in a hospital gown). If they believe you've taken something you get bloods drawn. I was, like I said, Emergent, and they didn't believe that I actually hand't taken anything so I got bloods taken. They thought I was a complete liar! You have to be cleared medically so that means a urine test no matter if you're urgent or emergent - they have to make sure you're not on drugs. One time I refused to give a urine test, and we had a hude irrational stand-off about it. I'm not sure why I refused as I wasn't on drugs or anything, hmmm. They notice your recent cuts, which you try to hide. The nurse comes in and invades your privacy to try to find hidden ones. Once you're cleared medically you get to talk to the on-call pdoc. He or she can or cannot be nice. My first time the pdoc wasn't nice, so I lied my ass off about the majority of how I felt. The second and third was nice. Dr. Z was really understanding, and he was the first one who told me that I wasn't alone in self-harming. You talk about how you feel, and then a large amount of your history...actually more about your history then anything. Then, if you're with someone, the pdoc goes and talks to them seperately (all the while you have talked alone with the pdoc). They tell them what to do to keep you safe, instruct them how to use the crisis hotline/911, etc etc. I don't actually know if they spill everything you just told them, but I suspect they tell quite a bit. And the thing is, everything you say goes on your hospital record, but everything they(the person you came with) say doesn't get taken down. So even if, like I did, you go get your hospital records nothing but your conversation is on there. After all the talking is done, you're sent home. Well most of the time. These are some points that I think would land you in IP(this lists considers that you've gone for suicidal ideation, not an attempt):
1. You brought pills/blades/etc with you to the ER
2. You tried or succeeded in attacking staff
3. You refused to comply with hospital staff (i.e. not giving bloods, not giving urine)
4. You tried to escape or run from the ER
5. You attempted suicide while in the ER
6. You're psychotic or not in touch with reality

Concerning Point 5, I was very tempted to do so. This was the same time I was "Emergent" and was put in Room 17. I had gotten my blood drawn and the nurse forgot to take little rubber tourniquet-type thing with her. It sat next to me. It stared me down. I thought about it and was about to reach for it when..."Oh look what she left here". Ah, no more opportunity to strangle myself. Although, thinking back, it would've been a bit hard. The bathroom was directly attached to Room 17 and there wasn't much in there to hang from...I believe they also timed you in the bathroom, when I came out (after finally agreeing to give a urine sample) the nurse was standing right there. Like RIGHT there. So that was a bit weird.

Back to the point, they usually send you home. They try to set up an appointment with your psychiatrist and/or therapist for the next day. If they can't do it, they leave you to do that. They also give you the number of their crisis line and tell you if anything happens they are there for you, there to help you, even if you just want to talk. And the you go home. Wasted 8-12 hours for nothing, except to be violated, watched, studied, and questioned.

This is why I do not go to the ER for suicidal ideation. I will never again do it...unless I'm physically forced into doing so.

This is not about my ER experience but with something I mentioned above - CRISIS HOTLINES. I was once again suicidal, this time a good few months after I had my last ER stunt. I decided, well, calling this crisis line wouldn't be so bad. I had called anonymous ones before and they were nice enough, but for whatever reason I wanted to call my local one. It seemed alright at first, they were nice. But it got to a point where they kept asking me what I had to live for. I was getting agitated (they knew I had pills and blades) and I glanced out my window the exact time two cop cars pulled in. I flipped out at the counselor on the phone and threw, literally threw, my phone across the room. I ran downstairs to find that the cops were already letting themselves into my house (I was home alone at this time). Next thing I knew my neighbor, a volunteer EMT, was at my door. She gave me a "hug" also known as secretly checking for weapons/pills/etc. She glanced at the one cop and he proceeded to question me. Had I hurt myself, had I taken anything, blah blah blah. Finally he cancelled the ambulance they had on standby. My mother comes flying down the road to the house. And yes, they DID call my mother. It's a small community we live in, everyone knows everyone etc. It's a bit foggy about what happened as I started dissociating. All I know is they cleared me and only one cop remained to talk to me. He told me he had depression after...something happened, someone died or he saw someone get shot or...I don't know but he had depression after that. We stood and talked and he eventually left. Don't remember how the rest of the day went after that. But to the point, local crisis lines trace your calls!!! Call an anonymous one, they are called anonymous for a reason! (((I also had a similar experience with calling Poison Control, I called because it was my first overdose of Advil, I had taken 7 or so and was afraid. I called asking about a "friend" and the lady got really concerned asking why would my friend do that and that I should call an ambulance. She asked if I wanted her to do it, I started getting anxious and said no, her mom is home and that I'd do it. We agreed and hung up. That might not sound scary, BUT, she called me later and asked how my friend was. SHE TRACED MY CALL! I said my friend was fine and thanks for helping. That was that, not as extreme but it scared me. Which is why I will never call Poison Control again either!)))

Anyway, that's my experience with the ER. Later I will talk about my overdose experience.