Inner Debates

Being manic and attending classes is hard. Let me just state that before I say anything. In fact, it's beyond hard. It's excrutiatingly difficult. Anyway, here I sit manic and with my mind racing and I wonder. What if I were to just tell someone? I told some just an hour ago and it wasn't so bad. I have a "case" with disability already. I also have to drop off an accomodation testing form for tomorrow's exam. Maybe I should just say something? Just tell the Coordinator that I'm manic, my memory is serioulsy impaired amongst other things, and I that I don't know how I can manage to take this exam, and then bring up this presentation that is due today. What would be so bad? I wonder. But then again, what am I expecting? What do I want to happen? Do I want someone to force medicate me? What the hell am I looking for? Maybe I want someone to say "oh you're fine the way you are, continue on". Maybe I want someone to say "that's enough, you're on medical leave until further notice". Maybe I want someone to say "I understand". I really don't know. I think a part of me desires help but the other part won't give up the mania. But really, what are people going to say? "Oh you need to take your medications". I just don't understand why I want to tell someone. This seems useless now to tell anyone. Honestly though, maybe if I told the Coordinator he could help me postpone the exam and presentation...but then, fuck that's stupid. I have one more week of classes then finals after that. There is no other time to do it. I can seriously stupid at times.



Again, what I am waiting for? What do I want people to do with me? To be honest, if some tried to force-medicate me I'd kick, scream, and bite hard - literally. I believe this has to be an inner change, that I have to want to take my meds again. I had a friend tell me that the "ride" will stop eventually. It just matters if I want to to be a slight curb bump or driving head-on into a semi. Well that's a nice way to put it. But she was being honest with me and that's what I appreciate - a nice kick is always good. However that make me say "oh back on the meds I go". Which is a shame. I don't know what will make me go back on my meds. I know I need help. I know I need to tell someone. But I question if it would do any good and if it would even matter.



I'm debating calling my T and cancelling my appt. tomorrow. But I know I need it. Oh, and I have to mention this. I'm laughing at the prospect of me driving. Mania=road rage. I've driven in my last manic episode and I made my little Hyundai go 100mph. What a RUSH! Ok, I should be thankful for not getting pulled over and getting a ticket for god knows how many "points". But when I'm manic I also get pissed at people. They drive too slow. I've divided the 3 lane road in my head. The right lane is for go 70mph or less. The middle for going 71-80mph. And the left for going 81mph or more. Anyone who goes under 81mph when I'm in the left lane is up for some serious cursing out and flipping off. I tend to cut people off and acclerate barely scraping them just to get my anger out. And it's great that I realize this but I swear when I'm in that moment nothing can stop me. Now I just hope that after I discuss my mania with my T she'll let me drive home!

On a weird note I'm experiencing some dissociative symptoms right now. I look at my hands/fingers typing and my arms resting on the desk and, well, they look foreign. They don't appear they are mine, they look weird! I'm noticing everything about them the pores, the moles, the fine hairs, the eczema, the left-over fingernail glue. I can move them but it's like...it feels like...they are not attached or belongin to me. If you haven't experienced this you will have no idea what I'm talking about. You're lucky. I have always questioned if my dissociation is really a simple seizure, I heard one person talking about it before. I don't really know the answer to it, possible I guess.