Falling

So I was manic for nearly the last week. Now that I've taken my meds I feel tired and am getting self-harming thoughts. I'm getting thoughts of cutting, which honestly I'm going to do tonight. I'm not resisting. I want to do it and I will. I'm also having thoughts of overdosing. I want to take all my meds. Like just fuck it all. Also, on a more extreme level, I want to break a bone. I have some advil in my room, I think I might take it. Though it's not PM so I wouldn't get any side effects, ah it's pointless. I don't want to overdose on my Lamictal as I'll get really dizzy, my vision will go, and I'll vomit all over myself. Seroquel is a good option however I'll sleep for days and miss class which will end in me failing my English class. I can overdose on Excedrin PM when I get back to my dorm, so I might do that. Until then I'll just cut myself.

Okay, this is pretty bad. This is bad thinking, I know. I shouldn't be thinking like this. I don't know who to tell, I don't want to be taken to the ER and end up in a psychiatric ward. I in fact know the two on-call pdoc's at my local hospitals psychiatric ward. I've seen both of them before. They are complete idiots when it comes to medication. Especially Dr. P she's the one who put me on Zoloft and wouldn't listen to me when I was an "energetic suicidal". Dr. C listened to me a bit but didn't know what she was doing in regards to medication. She just rx'd the popular meds, I'm sure she was getting paid by the pharma companies.

So, yes, I'm falling into depression and I don't know who to tell. I should tell someone, tell them I want to harm myself. Ah well, I guess I'll just manage.