First Post

After 4 days of mania I finally came about my wits and took a few Seroquel. I hadn't taken any meds for 4 days and the initial mania was great but then I could actually feel myself slipping away. Disconnecting from reality and being confused and angry. I was more concerned with the diconnecting from reality so Seroquel was my answer. After not sleeping for 4 days my body loved the gift of sleep. I was out cold and wouldn't probably slept more had my alarm not gone off.

I should probably describe this disconnecting from reality thing. The most obvous part is hearing things such as conversations and songs. Before you start accusing me neighbors of this it happens at 2,3,4 and in the morning when no one in their right mind is awake (haha). Anyway the other part of this is when time is distorted. I constantly have to look at the clock, time either goes too fast or too slow. Most often time doesn't make any sense at all. Minutes blur to hours blur to days. I wonder how long I have been awake and what I've done. When you're manic the time is the weirdest thing. It's like your caught in this time warp. I have to point out that this alone will drive you to insanity. Time is such an important piece in life and having it skewed....well, that just doesn't sit right with the majority of people.

I don't know whether to class my next experience/symptom as a hallucination or what. But I was having extreme difficulty reading, not your typical concentration deal but the words and page transformed in front of my eyes. They melted together. And as time went on I began seeing the words/phrases that "popped" from the page or screen. It's like a 3D movie, you reach out to touch it but it's not really there. I don't know if anyone has experienced this so I might be completely losing it when I experience this.

One more thing I want to point out is that I lack any caring attitude. I don' care about anything when I'm manic. Sometimes my manic episodes focus me on school but this time, unfortunately, I'm not concentrated on school. I don't care about my grades, class, etc. It's just like, ah fuck it. I can't help feeling like this. In regards to school, I have a presentation that I must do today. This is not worrying me one bit. Again, don't care. I've attempted to look at the material I am suppose to present but it makes no sense. None whatsoever. It pertains to a lab experiment that I actually did...my memory is so shot that nothing makes sense. But again, do I care? No! I also have to add that I have an exam tomorrow before I leave for home. How the hell will I manage that? Like I said my memory is shot. I have attempted to study and when I can concentrate enough to do so and the words aren't popping from the page, nothing that I read makes sense. I should know this stuff! Ah well. Who cares? Not me!

I have not taken any more of my meds this morning. See, I'm seeking the euphoria. A large part of my brain believes that this is possible. Oh just make sure you don't become psychotic, take some Seroquel, you'll be regularly manic in no time. And sad to say, I realize all this is false but I can't help believing it. I wonder what I am waiting for tomorrow, when I see my T. What am I expecting she is going to do? I mean, really, what can be done? If I don't want to take my meds then I won't. No one can force me short of involuntarily admitting and force-medicating. I'm not a danger to myself so I can't technically be forced into a hospital. I'm not psychotic and am in touch with reality. I realize there is a problem. See the thing is I think to myself "oh you can stop this any time you want". Now that I think about it....I'm not in control. But again, what am I waiting for? Is there any way my T could force me into the hospital? I don't know the details of involunatry admission....maybe.

There's one thing that I care about though. That's being independent. Being away at college I have an agreement with my doctor(s) that I will remain compliant with treatment. If my T can't hospitalize me she can sure label me non-compliant and contact my college. That's not good because I can then be put on medical leave. It's a really tough thing to be going through right now. I know I am not well, I'm missing classes and my grades are hurting terribly but I don't want to take my meds. Mania is seductive, it draws you and tells you it's a best thing since sliced bread. It's not and you know it, well those who not completely gone know it. Mania is madness. It's hard to describe a manic episode. The thinking is so difficult, confusion and such.

I want to add something. I've seperated, this is just me, mania into 4 catagories. I shall explain below, they are listed from lowest to highest.

Functioning Mania
- manic symptoms are present but you are still thinking logical
- you are super focused on something that benefits your life (ie: school)
- anger is not present, this is mostly euphoric

Non-Functioning Mania
- manic symptoms present but your thinking is illogical (time is distorted for example)
- focus is on irrelevant things (ie: that you can make the next Facebook)
- anger is present
- you no longer care about anything (not because you're depressed but because you think you're
invicible and there are no consequences)

Partial-Psychotic Mania
- manic symptoms present
- anger present
- focus on irrelevant things
- no longer caring about things
- mild psychosis (hearing a "conversation" or "seeing" something for a brief while)
- paranoia

Psychotic Mania (in this stage there is a complete loss of self)
- manic symptoms present
- anger present
- there is no focus on anything
- psychosis present (vivid hallucinations)
- extremely odd behaviors (running naked through traffic, trying to fly)

I'm currently a Partial-Psychotic Manic. I took my Seroquel last night to prevent myself falling into a full Psychotic Mania. This is just how I seperate my mania, it's not backed by any professionals. Feel free to use it yourself for charting your moods.

****************************************************************************

So I left this browser open as I just left class. I had an unexpected conversation with my professor. She questioned if I was okay, knew I was a good student but could see something was wrong. So, with mania inhibiting my logic, I told her I was in fact manic. I explained it to her briefly. She said that she actually knew what I was talking about as her family has a history of bipolar and schizphrenia...and one of her family members is a psychiatrist. Okay, so that turned out better than I expected. She asked if I was taking my meds again, I told a little white lie and said that I just started to. We started talking about my grade and then she shared that she struggled with a rollercoaster GPA through college. She asked if I was thinking of completely leaving the major because I wans't doing well grade wise. No I'm not. She said she'd email me a quick grade report but that I shouldn't be worried. If I do really well on my final then I might even get a B in the class. Alright then. I really thought it'd go differently. I thought she wouldn't even know what the hell mania was. I was wrong completely, which is pretty good.

Now I just wonder if I will do well on the final, will I be back on my meds then? Will I have completely lost it and be in a hospital? Or will I be the same as I am now, treading water with my memory screwed up, with no concetration, with no caring?