Break in studying

Yep, taking a short break from studying right now. Have to let my mind take a rest. I'll go back to it, don't worry. I'm a bit nervous about this exam, there's alot of certifications that I have to memorize (I'm in the Intro to Profession class and am studying Dietetics).

So last night I had an episode of sleep paralysis with hallucinations. It started as a nightmare but became "real". I woke up and saw my comfortor having mutiple hands coming and trying to kill me and drag me in. I was absolutly paralyzed, my jaw was locked. It was terrifying. I finally started mumbling the Lord's prayer. I was fighting the lock jaw. Finally it passed. But did I go back to sleep. HELL NO! I woke up and was searching for my cross necklace. I get super religious after these things happen. Luckily a friend was online and talked to me, calmed me down, etc. I finally went back to sleep and slept quite well. But honestly, if you haven't experienced sleep paralysis with hallucinations you won't understand the terror involved in it. It feels like you are going to die, you honestly think that your life is over.

Alright, enough of that. I have to think positive about this exam. That I WILL do well on this, I in fact will do FANTASTIC. My memory will not fail me. I'm watching The Secret DVD right now, so that's helping me think positive thoughts.

In regards to me not eating, I have only had 65 calories today. I'm strong. I can do this, I weighed myself this morning and was 149.8lbs. I'm so glad that I'm under 150lbs. I would be totally freaking out if I was. I was very tempted to eat when I woke up this morning. I was very hungry but I resisted and just ate an apple and some diet cranberry juice to down my meds.

Wish me luck for the rest of the day!

Bulimic dorm mates

Evidently there are plenty of bulimics on my floor. I'm so sick (no pun intended) of walking into the bathrooma and either a) finding someone actively purging or b) finding the remains of purging. Like seriously...what the fuck? Why does no one address this? Obviously there are plenty of bulimics walking around. I mean, statisically, there are alot of bulimics who are in college. And it pisses me off that there isn't a support group for those with EDs on my campus. Honestly, the counseling services here suck. Even my case was too "complicated" and "complex". So I had to go back to seeing my old T. Which isn't bad...you know I didn't even like the counselor I saw. She kept interrupting me. You know what. I was 24 days free from purging. I wanted to show her how strong I was. She told me that I was too high a risk of relapse to be seen by her. You know what? I fucking RELAPSED because of her rejecting me! That's when I started binge and purging...eventually leading me to binge/purging on average of 10 times a day. That's when I spent over $300 in less than a week on food just to puke it back up. GRRRR.

So luckily I'm over that. Now I'm on to restricting. I so desperately wish to be anorexic...bulimia is awful, digusting, degrading, yuck yuck yuck. And you know what...I WILL be. I will be 105lbs by April 1st...if not sooner.

I'm so glad that I get to sleep in tomorrow. I'm exhausted tonight. But I'm waiting up for my mother to call me.

I'm seeing my T on Friday after finals. So, I guess that will be interesting. Last time we talked about my fear of physical contact and attraction and such. Of course we talked about my then-manic state and she warned me I would get depressed. And hell, I sure did get depressed! Suicidal depression...definately not fun. So that'll probably be no surprise, though when I tell her just how depressed I was she might...err...be concerned. BUT I am no longer in that state, so yay!

Okay, sleep time.

Fatness

I can't help but look at my abdomen. It's fat. I can squeeze the fat. It's DISGUSTING. All the while I can't stop eating.

Tomorrow I'm starving myself. It will be the first day of my restriction. I will starve all through Christmas break. I want to be 135lbs by New Year's. Then I want to be 105lbs by April 1st.

Don't tell me this shit is irrational. I know it is. But I'm so fucking sick of being fat. SICK OF BEING FAT!

I'm fucking 19 years old. I will do whatever the fuck I want to. If I want to be 105lbs. I WILL be 105lbs. SO fuck everyone else.

This shit makes me hungry!!

It's true. This shit makes me hungry...even though I'm eating and eating. Luckily it's all healthy and such. But seriously. I'm feeling insanely hungry. I'm tired too. At least I'm not anxious.

Tomorrow I get to sleep in, yay! The exam isn't until 2:45pm, so plenty of sleeping time. And I swear I better not get a headache tonight...or else the brain is in for a beating...okay perhaps not, but still, it'll make me angry.

And, out of curiousity...can someone explain to me with these people who see ghosts what's the difference between those who hallucinate? Hmm? This is just a question that runs through my mind...I mean, really can someone explain this to me?

Anyway, I'm getting really tired. I think I'll have a nap. Write later, take care.

1 down 2 to go

Thank God that Serax kicked in! I'm much more calm now, and got through my exam. There was one question which wasn't even covered! I was like...what the hell? And my jaw sort of dropped. I was like...well...shit I'll write a note "was this even in the powerpoint" and then just bullshitted the whole reason. HAHA. I'm definately asking for more Serax when I see my pdoc next week. I'm running low right now, have enough to make it through finals though. And NO I'm not addicted! I only use it when I have to, like today when I was totally on the verge of a panic attack.

Now I have to write a short paper (1 page summary) that will go in my Portfolio.

What kinda pissed me off was that I didn't really sleep well last night. Had a horrible headache and was waking up every hour. I wanted to sleep until 10am but I couldn't stand it so I got up at about 9:30am.

So I feel like I should update on my eating disorder. My weight has been stable, and I actually gave in to weighing myself after not doing so for weeks. I weighed 149lbs...keep in mind that I'm 5'10 so that, according to others, is still slim. Of course, I don't see that. I have been debating of starving myself over christmas break. I don't know if I will. Hmmm. What triggers me is that last January I gained 20lbs in 2 week by bingeing on about 10,000 calories a day without purging. Yes, I'm not lying. I really want to be the weight I was before I gained that weight which was 125lbs. Also, in April of 2008 I reached my lowest weight ever of 112lbs, of course I was on the waiting list for an eating disorder unit - I never went there though. So that's just more triggers...wondering if I'll make it to that weight again. I want to be a size 3/size 1 again. I still have the clothing piled in my bedroom...wishing that I'll fit again. And the sad part is my sister, who is 13, is that size! Oh well, I guess I'll see how it goes.

I will update later with how I climbed out of my depression and what I experienced but in short I took my meds.

Now I have a final in about 25 mins. I have never been so anxious in a loooooong time. I was pacing...I am shaking...etc etc. I literally feel on the verge of a panic attack. I finally resorted to taking some Serax (anti-anxiety med). I mean I cannot put into words my anxiety right now. I hope that this shit kicks in within these 25 mins. I'm trying to distract myself by writing this but my hands are shaking so damn bad that I can barely type. UGH! My breathing is pretty fast and I'm feeling dissociated. Gotta ground myself. Feel the keyboard...look at my hands...feel the blanket...deep breaths....hear the tv....wiggle my toes...run my finger up my leg...close my eyes...feel the rise and fall of my stomach and chest...move my neck side to side...I'll be okay...I'll be okay...I'll be okay.

Now think positve...I will do fabulous on my final. I will pass. I will not have a "freak out" and forget everything. I have studied. I will do great! I will remember everything that I studied. I will be okay...okay...okay.

Alright my heart rate is coming down. I'm getting back in touch with reality. I don't know if it's writing this and grounding or if my Serax is kicking in. Or a combination of both. I really don't know how long it takes Serax to work.

Alright it's now 11:13. I will get ready leave, be there early. Okay, wish me luck. I CAN DO THIS!!!

No point

What is the point in anything?

I have papers to write and a portfolio to do. What is the point?

Who cares about anything? Why am I doing this?

I don't see myself ever graduating from college. I don't see it. I don't see myself doing anything. I have goals, which a great sure but do I see myself ever accomplishing them? NO!

There is nothing, there is no point. I see no future. I am a failure at everything. I cannot bear to face the world and show my problems. No one cares about me. They want to convince me they are, but they aren't. They just want me to shut up and take my meds. Shut up and take my meds.

Hospital Experience

I know I said my next post would be overdose experience but I feel the need to post this first.


Before anyone comments that I need to go to the ER for my depression, let me explain my ER experience.

I've been to the ER 3 times for suicidal ideation. It's a waste of time in my opinion. You walk in, register at the desk an get your nice little bracelet. Your case is marked as either "emergent" or "urgent". Emergent is if you have a "threat" and urgent is if you're having thoughts. I was "emergent" after I asked my school counselor how much Advil was needed to die, and then they found 19 Advil on me (they searched my bags which...that's a different story). Either way you don't wait long in the waiting room, as it's a dangerous place there apparently. You're either put in a regular room if you'r urgent or you're in room 17 if you'r emergent. Room 17 has extremely bright lights, a camera, a big glass window...and you get the point, no privacy. You're not allowed to keep your clothing. If you're Urgent and you brought someone, they can stay with you. If you're Emergent and brought someone, they can stay AND you get a security guard outside your door. He doesn't smile. He doesn't speak except when he comes in and wands you (despite being in a hospital gown). If they believe you've taken something you get bloods drawn. I was, like I said, Emergent, and they didn't believe that I actually hand't taken anything so I got bloods taken. They thought I was a complete liar! You have to be cleared medically so that means a urine test no matter if you're urgent or emergent - they have to make sure you're not on drugs. One time I refused to give a urine test, and we had a hude irrational stand-off about it. I'm not sure why I refused as I wasn't on drugs or anything, hmmm. They notice your recent cuts, which you try to hide. The nurse comes in and invades your privacy to try to find hidden ones. Once you're cleared medically you get to talk to the on-call pdoc. He or she can or cannot be nice. My first time the pdoc wasn't nice, so I lied my ass off about the majority of how I felt. The second and third was nice. Dr. Z was really understanding, and he was the first one who told me that I wasn't alone in self-harming. You talk about how you feel, and then a large amount of your history...actually more about your history then anything. Then, if you're with someone, the pdoc goes and talks to them seperately (all the while you have talked alone with the pdoc). They tell them what to do to keep you safe, instruct them how to use the crisis hotline/911, etc etc. I don't actually know if they spill everything you just told them, but I suspect they tell quite a bit. And the thing is, everything you say goes on your hospital record, but everything they(the person you came with) say doesn't get taken down. So even if, like I did, you go get your hospital records nothing but your conversation is on there. After all the talking is done, you're sent home. Well most of the time. These are some points that I think would land you in IP(this lists considers that you've gone for suicidal ideation, not an attempt):
1. You brought pills/blades/etc with you to the ER
2. You tried or succeeded in attacking staff
3. You refused to comply with hospital staff (i.e. not giving bloods, not giving urine)
4. You tried to escape or run from the ER
5. You attempted suicide while in the ER
6. You're psychotic or not in touch with reality

Concerning Point 5, I was very tempted to do so. This was the same time I was "Emergent" and was put in Room 17. I had gotten my blood drawn and the nurse forgot to take little rubber tourniquet-type thing with her. It sat next to me. It stared me down. I thought about it and was about to reach for it when..."Oh look what she left here". Ah, no more opportunity to strangle myself. Although, thinking back, it would've been a bit hard. The bathroom was directly attached to Room 17 and there wasn't much in there to hang from...I believe they also timed you in the bathroom, when I came out (after finally agreeing to give a urine sample) the nurse was standing right there. Like RIGHT there. So that was a bit weird.

Back to the point, they usually send you home. They try to set up an appointment with your psychiatrist and/or therapist for the next day. If they can't do it, they leave you to do that. They also give you the number of their crisis line and tell you if anything happens they are there for you, there to help you, even if you just want to talk. And the you go home. Wasted 8-12 hours for nothing, except to be violated, watched, studied, and questioned.

This is why I do not go to the ER for suicidal ideation. I will never again do it...unless I'm physically forced into doing so.

This is not about my ER experience but with something I mentioned above - CRISIS HOTLINES. I was once again suicidal, this time a good few months after I had my last ER stunt. I decided, well, calling this crisis line wouldn't be so bad. I had called anonymous ones before and they were nice enough, but for whatever reason I wanted to call my local one. It seemed alright at first, they were nice. But it got to a point where they kept asking me what I had to live for. I was getting agitated (they knew I had pills and blades) and I glanced out my window the exact time two cop cars pulled in. I flipped out at the counselor on the phone and threw, literally threw, my phone across the room. I ran downstairs to find that the cops were already letting themselves into my house (I was home alone at this time). Next thing I knew my neighbor, a volunteer EMT, was at my door. She gave me a "hug" also known as secretly checking for weapons/pills/etc. She glanced at the one cop and he proceeded to question me. Had I hurt myself, had I taken anything, blah blah blah. Finally he cancelled the ambulance they had on standby. My mother comes flying down the road to the house. And yes, they DID call my mother. It's a small community we live in, everyone knows everyone etc. It's a bit foggy about what happened as I started dissociating. All I know is they cleared me and only one cop remained to talk to me. He told me he had depression after...something happened, someone died or he saw someone get shot or...I don't know but he had depression after that. We stood and talked and he eventually left. Don't remember how the rest of the day went after that. But to the point, local crisis lines trace your calls!!! Call an anonymous one, they are called anonymous for a reason! (((I also had a similar experience with calling Poison Control, I called because it was my first overdose of Advil, I had taken 7 or so and was afraid. I called asking about a "friend" and the lady got really concerned asking why would my friend do that and that I should call an ambulance. She asked if I wanted her to do it, I started getting anxious and said no, her mom is home and that I'd do it. We agreed and hung up. That might not sound scary, BUT, she called me later and asked how my friend was. SHE TRACED MY CALL! I said my friend was fine and thanks for helping. That was that, not as extreme but it scared me. Which is why I will never call Poison Control again either!)))

Anyway, that's my experience with the ER. Later I will talk about my overdose experience.

It's Sunday

It's Sunday. I have two papers to write and I don't feel like it.

I did in fact cut myself last night...I know, I know it's bad.

"Stand by for another breakdown"

Depression is a sucky thing. I told my mother about it, I said "I feel like I'm getting depressed". Here response "well that's bound to happen after the way you've been acting" and then "just think about school and do well on your finals". Is that all she cares about? My fucking finals? I don't really give a shit right now. Funny. When I'm manic I don't care, when I'm depressed I don't care.

I was talking to a few people online and they said perhaps I should go to the ER. Well, they don't do shit at the ER. They keep you for 8-12 hours. They make you talk to the on-call pdoc or therapist. And then they send you home. I've been when I was suicidal and they sent me home. I've been when I've overdosed and they sent me home. About 2 months ago I was in the ER for a mild overdose of diet pills and all they did was take blood and give me an EKG. I was even taken in an ambulance. I didn't get IV fluids or anything. In fact, I didn't even talk to an on-call pdoc. Go figure. I wasn't watched by anyone and was alone about 95% of the time. I got the feeling that I annoyed them. I finally was angry enough to ask to go home. It took about 15 minutes for the doctor to come and discharge me. I called a cab, went back to my dorm, and vomited until 2am the next day. I was unable to make it to class for the remainder of the week, and this was a Monday overdose.

If there's one thing I dislike about overdosing it is vomiting. I hate it so badly. This probably has to do with my previous overdoses and nearly dying because of vomiting. I'll talk about my experience with overdosing in the next post.

Anyway, I probably will take an overdose tomorrow. Of Excedrin PM. Nothing can stop me. I'm thinking irrationally here. I should tell someone. I know I should. I don't know what to do anymore.

Falling

So I was manic for nearly the last week. Now that I've taken my meds I feel tired and am getting self-harming thoughts. I'm getting thoughts of cutting, which honestly I'm going to do tonight. I'm not resisting. I want to do it and I will. I'm also having thoughts of overdosing. I want to take all my meds. Like just fuck it all. Also, on a more extreme level, I want to break a bone. I have some advil in my room, I think I might take it. Though it's not PM so I wouldn't get any side effects, ah it's pointless. I don't want to overdose on my Lamictal as I'll get really dizzy, my vision will go, and I'll vomit all over myself. Seroquel is a good option however I'll sleep for days and miss class which will end in me failing my English class. I can overdose on Excedrin PM when I get back to my dorm, so I might do that. Until then I'll just cut myself.

Okay, this is pretty bad. This is bad thinking, I know. I shouldn't be thinking like this. I don't know who to tell, I don't want to be taken to the ER and end up in a psychiatric ward. I in fact know the two on-call pdoc's at my local hospitals psychiatric ward. I've seen both of them before. They are complete idiots when it comes to medication. Especially Dr. P she's the one who put me on Zoloft and wouldn't listen to me when I was an "energetic suicidal". Dr. C listened to me a bit but didn't know what she was doing in regards to medication. She just rx'd the popular meds, I'm sure she was getting paid by the pharma companies.

So, yes, I'm falling into depression and I don't know who to tell. I should tell someone, tell them I want to harm myself. Ah well, I guess I'll just manage.

So I took my meds

I ended up taking my meds today. I guess I came to my senses, and I was forced into by my parents. Last night I was so screwy that they were thinking about taking me to the ER to be medicated but I complied with voluntarily taking my meds, so that ended that thought.

Anyway today I feel weird, well more tired that anything. Really tired, really really tired. I'm calm and my thoughts aren't racing thanks to the instant effects of my meds that act as an antimanic.

I'm trying to convince my dad to buy another guinea pig as we built a second level in their cage yesterday so there's more room now. I'm also going to talk about my social-networking-type-ish site. He's VP of business development at his work so he knows all about stuff like that. I'll see what he thinks.

I still have two papers to write. It's late right now, 4pm so I plan on doing that tomorrow. I can't believe this is the final week of classes before finals. I'm not that overwhelmed. I know alot of people get overwhelmed at the thought of finals, I don't. I figure it is what it is. I'll study and such but if I don't know it then I don't know it. Not a huge deal.

I'm excited about a month break. It's well deserved.

It's snowing and raining here right now. The snow is barely landing. I love the snow, it's so beautiful and pure. I think that it shouldn't be cold without snow, it frustrates me when that happens so the snow is a nice thing to see.

Reflection

I just took a good look at myself in the mirror. I'm incredibly pale. I look dead, I do. There's no color in me. Weirdly, I have no symptoms of feeling ill or tired for that matter. Is this a common occurance in manics? I wonder. Perhaps the body feels differently then the mind, perhaps this is a warning sign. Obviously a bit concerning when you look dead but your mind is racing faster than you can keep up with.

So what to hear some more manic-y-ness? I want to start 5 websites. One a placeholder for my eating disorder clinic - perhaps I could be a non-profit clinic? Hmm. Two for selling merchandise. One about guinea pigs - I'm planning on transforming my room at my house into a rescue. More on that later. And one a vast social-networking-type-ish site.

I do want to have my own eating disorder clinic. I struggle(d) with it myself. Been through anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating. Even had some odd behaviors such as chewing and spitting and purging without bingeing. I've been through the most of it, so I know what I'm talking about. I also know how I would want treatment. I never went into a treatment facility for my eating disorder, which I do regret to this day, but if I had I would want it a specific way. And since I hear awful reports from others I want to make my clinic the best. I want it to be a residential style facilty but also have a medical wing just in case....there's a BUNCH of other stuff I want it to be, just to wet your mouth I'll say that I want it to accomodate vegans. I have never heard of a facility doing this. And I know ALOT of those with eating disorders are vegan. I want to show people it is possible to get nutrition and to gain/maintain weight with veganism. I'm currently not a vegan, I'm a lacto vegetarian (despite being lactose intolerant) because I can't give up my ice cream and string cheese. I did for a good year but it's too damn yummy!

My next two sites will be merchandise/retail. One will be specifically for female paintballers (don't even ask how I came up with this as I can't explain it, all I know is that I'm drawn to it) and the other for highly unique clothing (think furry leg warmers as an example). After the sites are a success then a real store will open up in my home town...it would be so incredibly awesome to actually have a store. It will happen!

My next site will be about guinea pigs. As I mentioned above I want to turn my room at home into a guinea pig rescue (my room sits over a 3 car garage, it's plenty big). I want to build huge cages, think over 10feet long. I will rescure both male and female guinea pigs, there will be plenty of room. A thing I was debating, perhaps I should not operate as a rescue but rather an adoption home. Another part of me wants to become a breeder. I want to bread Silkies and Americans. Those are two types of guinea pig breeds, btw.

My last site, the social-networking-type-ish site I'm not going to explain. It's my idea, not yours. It's a fantastic idea, so huge and great you'll never guess it. It'll be the next big MySpace, FaceBook, Twitter, etc.

My parents are frustrated with me. After long discussions and me literally going off the wall (I was running and throwing myself against the wall) I decided to take my evening meds. My mom told me she didn't care if I slept 'til noon as long as I was using the weekend to get back on my meds. I guess I should probably be one them, shouldn't I.

bruise-y

I have an odd bruis above my knee. It's new...probably from yesterday. It's bruised in a circlular pattern. So it basically looks like a ring bruise. WEIRDING ME OUT!!! Did I wake up last night and do something and have no memory? Hmmm. Oh well!

Evening baby

"There is a chemical in your brain, it's pouring sunshine and rage"

It's TRUE!!!

Am becoming slightly more paranoid than before. The doorbell rang and I thought someone called the cops on me from reading this blog...riiiight.

Anyways...memory is losing it more. Meds level decrease insanity INCREASE. HELL YEA!!!!

I'm totally off the FUCKING WALL!!!

I LOVE IT!!!

"Let's live it up"

Home Again, Before Therapy

I'm home now. As I mentioned before my driving was highly erratic but such a great rush. I was weaving around cutting people off (and getting flipped off). People drive too slow. I was pushing 90 on one highway, 70 on the other, and 50 on my small back road (this was the most fun as there are alot of bumps and sharp turns!!!).

Exam was crap. I didn't do well. I looked at the questions, about half of them, and I just couldn't figure it out. I didn't leave it blank I explained in words how I thought it might be done or what equations should be used (I just couldn't remember how to do the equations).

Random thought, there was a commercial for "Umcka" that is supposed to speed healing from colds. How is that possible? There isn't medicine that speeds the healing from a cold. This sounds like a potential problem like Airborne was. Remember it used to say to take it at the first sign of a cold and it'll speed healing or even prevent a cold? Then they got swamped with court cases for false claims. I want to know how it this Umcka is supposed to work - the commercial was awful and cheesey, I doubt this "medicine" will be around for long.

I leave for therapy in 5 minutes. My father already is angry at me because I'm not taking my meds (and he asked how my exam went!). He's told me to call my pdoc, blah blah blah! Anyway, we'll see how therapy goes.

RE: Phone Call

After being put on "ignore" for 5 times I finally talked to my mother. My memory is shot completely and the conversation is foggy at this happened hours ago. Don't remind me that it's 1.30am!

We some how got on about me taking my meds. She knew, she just knew before I told her. We talked, argued, at length about how I should take my meds and if I should be driving because I might have a seizure because I suddenly stopped taking the Lamictal. We talked about stuff and then she said "maybe it is a good time for you to go off your medications, but do it slowly and that way you'll know if you can truly survive without them"...and then..."you have a month off from school, you can do it then". She meant well, I get what she meant and how she was trying to make me feel better but it came out a bit wrong.

Just for your info. I did take my evening meds. Helped slow me down and eased the confusion. I'll try to sleep after this post. I'm not all that worried about the exam anymore. If I don't know it, then I don't know it. It's one exam, not a big deal. I'll let you know how I fair with that.

PISSED OFF

I went to call my mother, my father answered and started joking around talking german. I knew it was him obviously but it has pissed the hell out of me. FUCK HIM!!!! My mother tried to call back and I've "ignored" her 3 times. FUCK HER!!!

I WILL NOT TALK TO ANYONE TONIGHT. FUCK THEM. THEY CAN WORRY THEIR ASSES OFF AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!!

My Presentation

Before I start about the presentation. I did go drop off my testing accomodation form at disability BUT the Coordinator wasn't there so there was no talking to anyone about my mania.

I did my presentation. Apparently it went well, I did talk way too fast and the prof asked it I could write down what I was saying. But at the end after stumbling on her questions and probably making no sense half the time, I got a 100. That's....just wow.

However as the half life of Seroquel continues to decrease, the restlessness and confusion are increasing. Oh god and forget concentration...I wrote that last sentence 10 minutes ago and just came back to it. I can't even remember what I wanted to talk about. Important points but they're gone.

It's a full moon tonight.

I'm going to call my mother now. Though mania makes the desire less to do so, but I'll do it anyway. Hey...maybe I'll be honest and say I haven't been taking my meds. We'll see.

Inner Debates

Being manic and attending classes is hard. Let me just state that before I say anything. In fact, it's beyond hard. It's excrutiatingly difficult. Anyway, here I sit manic and with my mind racing and I wonder. What if I were to just tell someone? I told some just an hour ago and it wasn't so bad. I have a "case" with disability already. I also have to drop off an accomodation testing form for tomorrow's exam. Maybe I should just say something? Just tell the Coordinator that I'm manic, my memory is serioulsy impaired amongst other things, and I that I don't know how I can manage to take this exam, and then bring up this presentation that is due today. What would be so bad? I wonder. But then again, what am I expecting? What do I want to happen? Do I want someone to force medicate me? What the hell am I looking for? Maybe I want someone to say "oh you're fine the way you are, continue on". Maybe I want someone to say "that's enough, you're on medical leave until further notice". Maybe I want someone to say "I understand". I really don't know. I think a part of me desires help but the other part won't give up the mania. But really, what are people going to say? "Oh you need to take your medications". I just don't understand why I want to tell someone. This seems useless now to tell anyone. Honestly though, maybe if I told the Coordinator he could help me postpone the exam and presentation...but then, fuck that's stupid. I have one more week of classes then finals after that. There is no other time to do it. I can seriously stupid at times.



Again, what I am waiting for? What do I want people to do with me? To be honest, if some tried to force-medicate me I'd kick, scream, and bite hard - literally. I believe this has to be an inner change, that I have to want to take my meds again. I had a friend tell me that the "ride" will stop eventually. It just matters if I want to to be a slight curb bump or driving head-on into a semi. Well that's a nice way to put it. But she was being honest with me and that's what I appreciate - a nice kick is always good. However that make me say "oh back on the meds I go". Which is a shame. I don't know what will make me go back on my meds. I know I need help. I know I need to tell someone. But I question if it would do any good and if it would even matter.



I'm debating calling my T and cancelling my appt. tomorrow. But I know I need it. Oh, and I have to mention this. I'm laughing at the prospect of me driving. Mania=road rage. I've driven in my last manic episode and I made my little Hyundai go 100mph. What a RUSH! Ok, I should be thankful for not getting pulled over and getting a ticket for god knows how many "points". But when I'm manic I also get pissed at people. They drive too slow. I've divided the 3 lane road in my head. The right lane is for go 70mph or less. The middle for going 71-80mph. And the left for going 81mph or more. Anyone who goes under 81mph when I'm in the left lane is up for some serious cursing out and flipping off. I tend to cut people off and acclerate barely scraping them just to get my anger out. And it's great that I realize this but I swear when I'm in that moment nothing can stop me. Now I just hope that after I discuss my mania with my T she'll let me drive home!

On a weird note I'm experiencing some dissociative symptoms right now. I look at my hands/fingers typing and my arms resting on the desk and, well, they look foreign. They don't appear they are mine, they look weird! I'm noticing everything about them the pores, the moles, the fine hairs, the eczema, the left-over fingernail glue. I can move them but it's like...it feels like...they are not attached or belongin to me. If you haven't experienced this you will have no idea what I'm talking about. You're lucky. I have always questioned if my dissociation is really a simple seizure, I heard one person talking about it before. I don't really know the answer to it, possible I guess.

First Post

After 4 days of mania I finally came about my wits and took a few Seroquel. I hadn't taken any meds for 4 days and the initial mania was great but then I could actually feel myself slipping away. Disconnecting from reality and being confused and angry. I was more concerned with the diconnecting from reality so Seroquel was my answer. After not sleeping for 4 days my body loved the gift of sleep. I was out cold and wouldn't probably slept more had my alarm not gone off.

I should probably describe this disconnecting from reality thing. The most obvous part is hearing things such as conversations and songs. Before you start accusing me neighbors of this it happens at 2,3,4 and in the morning when no one in their right mind is awake (haha). Anyway the other part of this is when time is distorted. I constantly have to look at the clock, time either goes too fast or too slow. Most often time doesn't make any sense at all. Minutes blur to hours blur to days. I wonder how long I have been awake and what I've done. When you're manic the time is the weirdest thing. It's like your caught in this time warp. I have to point out that this alone will drive you to insanity. Time is such an important piece in life and having it skewed....well, that just doesn't sit right with the majority of people.

I don't know whether to class my next experience/symptom as a hallucination or what. But I was having extreme difficulty reading, not your typical concentration deal but the words and page transformed in front of my eyes. They melted together. And as time went on I began seeing the words/phrases that "popped" from the page or screen. It's like a 3D movie, you reach out to touch it but it's not really there. I don't know if anyone has experienced this so I might be completely losing it when I experience this.

One more thing I want to point out is that I lack any caring attitude. I don' care about anything when I'm manic. Sometimes my manic episodes focus me on school but this time, unfortunately, I'm not concentrated on school. I don't care about my grades, class, etc. It's just like, ah fuck it. I can't help feeling like this. In regards to school, I have a presentation that I must do today. This is not worrying me one bit. Again, don't care. I've attempted to look at the material I am suppose to present but it makes no sense. None whatsoever. It pertains to a lab experiment that I actually did...my memory is so shot that nothing makes sense. But again, do I care? No! I also have to add that I have an exam tomorrow before I leave for home. How the hell will I manage that? Like I said my memory is shot. I have attempted to study and when I can concentrate enough to do so and the words aren't popping from the page, nothing that I read makes sense. I should know this stuff! Ah well. Who cares? Not me!

I have not taken any more of my meds this morning. See, I'm seeking the euphoria. A large part of my brain believes that this is possible. Oh just make sure you don't become psychotic, take some Seroquel, you'll be regularly manic in no time. And sad to say, I realize all this is false but I can't help believing it. I wonder what I am waiting for tomorrow, when I see my T. What am I expecting she is going to do? I mean, really, what can be done? If I don't want to take my meds then I won't. No one can force me short of involuntarily admitting and force-medicating. I'm not a danger to myself so I can't technically be forced into a hospital. I'm not psychotic and am in touch with reality. I realize there is a problem. See the thing is I think to myself "oh you can stop this any time you want". Now that I think about it....I'm not in control. But again, what am I waiting for? Is there any way my T could force me into the hospital? I don't know the details of involunatry admission....maybe.

There's one thing that I care about though. That's being independent. Being away at college I have an agreement with my doctor(s) that I will remain compliant with treatment. If my T can't hospitalize me she can sure label me non-compliant and contact my college. That's not good because I can then be put on medical leave. It's a really tough thing to be going through right now. I know I am not well, I'm missing classes and my grades are hurting terribly but I don't want to take my meds. Mania is seductive, it draws you and tells you it's a best thing since sliced bread. It's not and you know it, well those who not completely gone know it. Mania is madness. It's hard to describe a manic episode. The thinking is so difficult, confusion and such.

I want to add something. I've seperated, this is just me, mania into 4 catagories. I shall explain below, they are listed from lowest to highest.

Functioning Mania
- manic symptoms are present but you are still thinking logical
- you are super focused on something that benefits your life (ie: school)
- anger is not present, this is mostly euphoric

Non-Functioning Mania
- manic symptoms present but your thinking is illogical (time is distorted for example)
- focus is on irrelevant things (ie: that you can make the next Facebook)
- anger is present
- you no longer care about anything (not because you're depressed but because you think you're
invicible and there are no consequences)

Partial-Psychotic Mania
- manic symptoms present
- anger present
- focus on irrelevant things
- no longer caring about things
- mild psychosis (hearing a "conversation" or "seeing" something for a brief while)
- paranoia

Psychotic Mania (in this stage there is a complete loss of self)
- manic symptoms present
- anger present
- there is no focus on anything
- psychosis present (vivid hallucinations)
- extremely odd behaviors (running naked through traffic, trying to fly)

I'm currently a Partial-Psychotic Manic. I took my Seroquel last night to prevent myself falling into a full Psychotic Mania. This is just how I seperate my mania, it's not backed by any professionals. Feel free to use it yourself for charting your moods.

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So I left this browser open as I just left class. I had an unexpected conversation with my professor. She questioned if I was okay, knew I was a good student but could see something was wrong. So, with mania inhibiting my logic, I told her I was in fact manic. I explained it to her briefly. She said that she actually knew what I was talking about as her family has a history of bipolar and schizphrenia...and one of her family members is a psychiatrist. Okay, so that turned out better than I expected. She asked if I was taking my meds again, I told a little white lie and said that I just started to. We started talking about my grade and then she shared that she struggled with a rollercoaster GPA through college. She asked if I was thinking of completely leaving the major because I wans't doing well grade wise. No I'm not. She said she'd email me a quick grade report but that I shouldn't be worried. If I do really well on my final then I might even get a B in the class. Alright then. I really thought it'd go differently. I thought she wouldn't even know what the hell mania was. I was wrong completely, which is pretty good.

Now I just wonder if I will do well on the final, will I be back on my meds then? Will I have completely lost it and be in a hospital? Or will I be the same as I am now, treading water with my memory screwed up, with no concetration, with no caring?

Meds List!

PAST MEDS

St. John's Wort - this made me so screwy. Made me far worse then better.

Zoloft - my first attempt at rx'd medication. Failed miserably. I feel into an agitated depression and I complained multiple times to my then-current pdoc who kept telling me to wait another week. It eventually got to such a point that I couldn't take it anymore. I was, as I described it, an "energetic suicidal". I quit taking Zoloft cold-turkey and also quit seeing that pdoc.

Topamax - this was initially rx'd by my neurologist following a seizure episode. It gave me (at that point) the highest mania ever but at the blink of an eye I dropped into a deep depression. I was taken off of it when my MRI and EEG came back normal.

Pamelor - my second pdoc's first choice med. Within 3 days my mother was on the phone with her explaining that clearly this wasn't working. It did that same thing that Zoloft did (agitated depression) but it seemed so intense. I learned that I could not take anti-depressants.

Trileptal - my first mood stabilizer, it worked fine until....in some weird adverse, completely fucked up, reaction...it gave me seizures. Don't even ask how that managed to happen, I have no idea as it logically doesn't make sense. Mood wise though it help add stability from the mania but the depression raged on.

Keppra & Klonopin - I group these together because that's how I took them (and was rx'd to). I didn't last a week or so before I found myself hallucinating and severely depressed. Immediately we stopped those two.

Tegretol - Okay this did nothing. Absolutly nothing. Not even a twinge hope or relief from it. I didn't stay on it long enough to notice any other effects, after a week of nothing we (pdoc and I) decided we had better move on.

Geodon - I actually liked this med. It helped alot stabilizing my mood, lifted a bit of my depression symptoms and slowed my mind down. Unfortunately it pooped-out on me quickly (within a matter of months).

Abilify - It definately lifted my depression symptoms a ton. However, it made me severely restless and I constantly had to move. This was at 15mg. I dropped to 10mg and was fine until it pooped-out on me, we tried going back up to 15mg but the restlessness came back strong.

CURRENT MEDS (or should I say, meds I'm suppose to be taking)
Lamictal(300mg/day) - I have been on this one for years. It's a fantastic mood stabilizer and also helps control my seizure episodes. I just have to comment the taste of Lamictal is AWFUL however the generic lamotrigine isn't so bad.

Seroquel(300mg/day) - This is also a long-time "favorite". Helps with my psychotic bits and mania when taken with my other meds. It's great for insomnia. I warn you, take it at night as it'll make you really weird. Don't even think about driving your car.

Invega (6mg/day) - This is a newbie for me. It works nicely on my mood and, even though in the same class as Seroquel, it doesn't make me drowsy so I take it in the morning.

Tramadol (100mg/x2 day) - I know this is odd being on this list but hear me out. It is the best thing that has ever happened. It works so well for obsessive-depressive thoughts. I was originally rx'd it after I came into my pdoc complaining all I could think was "I want to die. I want to die. I want to die". I cannot thank my pdoc enough for taking a risk and giving this to me. It's been a huge life saver. If you're thinking about trying to get it rx'd to you, it'll be tough. It's a controlled painkiller. When my pdoc was out and I had to get my rx's refilled the on-call pdoc wouldn't write out a Tramadol rx no matter how much I kicked and screamed.

Just Who Is Cydney?

First, my real name is not Cydney. I refuse to use my real name for fear of consequences that may come from posting information to this blog. A bit paranoid you may say, but in a healthy way.

I'm 19 years old, a female, and a college student. What most of you are probably looking for are my diagnoses. There have been many discussed ones which haven't been made official. This is because my T and pdoc do not want the stigma of a label following me through life and permantently on my "record". Here are the following diagnoses which are currently being used:

1. Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Moderate
2. Adjustment Disorder with Mixed Anxiety and Depressed Mood
3. TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury)
4. EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)

I want to point out that 2 really can't be right because, diagnostically, the disorder should resolve after the stressor is removed. There is no stressor and the symptoms still presist. But that's a diagnosis from my pdoc.

Here are the following disorders which have been discussed:

1. Bipolar Disorder Type I
2. BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)
3. OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder)
4. DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) or DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)

I'm not going to list all my symptoms here. The list would be too long. As you read my blog you'll see who I am. I may come back at a later date and write them all out, but for now, no list.

I want to highlight that I do have a history of seizures, most likely caused by my TBI. Also in regards to my TBI it is unknown of my symtoms results from the TBI or if they were triggered by it. And before you start yammering on about it - there is no real answer. NO ONE will ever know.