Break in studying

Yep, taking a short break from studying right now. Have to let my mind take a rest. I'll go back to it, don't worry. I'm a bit nervous about this exam, there's alot of certifications that I have to memorize (I'm in the Intro to Profession class and am studying Dietetics).

So last night I had an episode of sleep paralysis with hallucinations. It started as a nightmare but became "real". I woke up and saw my comfortor having mutiple hands coming and trying to kill me and drag me in. I was absolutly paralyzed, my jaw was locked. It was terrifying. I finally started mumbling the Lord's prayer. I was fighting the lock jaw. Finally it passed. But did I go back to sleep. HELL NO! I woke up and was searching for my cross necklace. I get super religious after these things happen. Luckily a friend was online and talked to me, calmed me down, etc. I finally went back to sleep and slept quite well. But honestly, if you haven't experienced sleep paralysis with hallucinations you won't understand the terror involved in it. It feels like you are going to die, you honestly think that your life is over.

Alright, enough of that. I have to think positive about this exam. That I WILL do well on this, I in fact will do FANTASTIC. My memory will not fail me. I'm watching The Secret DVD right now, so that's helping me think positive thoughts.

In regards to me not eating, I have only had 65 calories today. I'm strong. I can do this, I weighed myself this morning and was 149.8lbs. I'm so glad that I'm under 150lbs. I would be totally freaking out if I was. I was very tempted to eat when I woke up this morning. I was very hungry but I resisted and just ate an apple and some diet cranberry juice to down my meds.

Wish me luck for the rest of the day!

Bulimic dorm mates

Evidently there are plenty of bulimics on my floor. I'm so sick (no pun intended) of walking into the bathrooma and either a) finding someone actively purging or b) finding the remains of purging. Like seriously...what the fuck? Why does no one address this? Obviously there are plenty of bulimics walking around. I mean, statisically, there are alot of bulimics who are in college. And it pisses me off that there isn't a support group for those with EDs on my campus. Honestly, the counseling services here suck. Even my case was too "complicated" and "complex". So I had to go back to seeing my old T. Which isn't bad...you know I didn't even like the counselor I saw. She kept interrupting me. You know what. I was 24 days free from purging. I wanted to show her how strong I was. She told me that I was too high a risk of relapse to be seen by her. You know what? I fucking RELAPSED because of her rejecting me! That's when I started binge and purging...eventually leading me to binge/purging on average of 10 times a day. That's when I spent over $300 in less than a week on food just to puke it back up. GRRRR.

So luckily I'm over that. Now I'm on to restricting. I so desperately wish to be anorexic...bulimia is awful, digusting, degrading, yuck yuck yuck. And you know what...I WILL be. I will be 105lbs by April 1st...if not sooner.

I'm so glad that I get to sleep in tomorrow. I'm exhausted tonight. But I'm waiting up for my mother to call me.

I'm seeing my T on Friday after finals. So, I guess that will be interesting. Last time we talked about my fear of physical contact and attraction and such. Of course we talked about my then-manic state and she warned me I would get depressed. And hell, I sure did get depressed! Suicidal depression...definately not fun. So that'll probably be no surprise, though when I tell her just how depressed I was she might...err...be concerned. BUT I am no longer in that state, so yay!

Okay, sleep time.

Fatness

I can't help but look at my abdomen. It's fat. I can squeeze the fat. It's DISGUSTING. All the while I can't stop eating.

Tomorrow I'm starving myself. It will be the first day of my restriction. I will starve all through Christmas break. I want to be 135lbs by New Year's. Then I want to be 105lbs by April 1st.

Don't tell me this shit is irrational. I know it is. But I'm so fucking sick of being fat. SICK OF BEING FAT!

I'm fucking 19 years old. I will do whatever the fuck I want to. If I want to be 105lbs. I WILL be 105lbs. SO fuck everyone else.

This shit makes me hungry!!

It's true. This shit makes me hungry...even though I'm eating and eating. Luckily it's all healthy and such. But seriously. I'm feeling insanely hungry. I'm tired too. At least I'm not anxious.

Tomorrow I get to sleep in, yay! The exam isn't until 2:45pm, so plenty of sleeping time. And I swear I better not get a headache tonight...or else the brain is in for a beating...okay perhaps not, but still, it'll make me angry.

And, out of curiousity...can someone explain to me with these people who see ghosts what's the difference between those who hallucinate? Hmm? This is just a question that runs through my mind...I mean, really can someone explain this to me?

Anyway, I'm getting really tired. I think I'll have a nap. Write later, take care.

1 down 2 to go

Thank God that Serax kicked in! I'm much more calm now, and got through my exam. There was one question which wasn't even covered! I was like...what the hell? And my jaw sort of dropped. I was like...well...shit I'll write a note "was this even in the powerpoint" and then just bullshitted the whole reason. HAHA. I'm definately asking for more Serax when I see my pdoc next week. I'm running low right now, have enough to make it through finals though. And NO I'm not addicted! I only use it when I have to, like today when I was totally on the verge of a panic attack.

Now I have to write a short paper (1 page summary) that will go in my Portfolio.

What kinda pissed me off was that I didn't really sleep well last night. Had a horrible headache and was waking up every hour. I wanted to sleep until 10am but I couldn't stand it so I got up at about 9:30am.

So I feel like I should update on my eating disorder. My weight has been stable, and I actually gave in to weighing myself after not doing so for weeks. I weighed 149lbs...keep in mind that I'm 5'10 so that, according to others, is still slim. Of course, I don't see that. I have been debating of starving myself over christmas break. I don't know if I will. Hmmm. What triggers me is that last January I gained 20lbs in 2 week by bingeing on about 10,000 calories a day without purging. Yes, I'm not lying. I really want to be the weight I was before I gained that weight which was 125lbs. Also, in April of 2008 I reached my lowest weight ever of 112lbs, of course I was on the waiting list for an eating disorder unit - I never went there though. So that's just more triggers...wondering if I'll make it to that weight again. I want to be a size 3/size 1 again. I still have the clothing piled in my bedroom...wishing that I'll fit again. And the sad part is my sister, who is 13, is that size! Oh well, I guess I'll see how it goes.

I will update later with how I climbed out of my depression and what I experienced but in short I took my meds.

Now I have a final in about 25 mins. I have never been so anxious in a loooooong time. I was pacing...I am shaking...etc etc. I literally feel on the verge of a panic attack. I finally resorted to taking some Serax (anti-anxiety med). I mean I cannot put into words my anxiety right now. I hope that this shit kicks in within these 25 mins. I'm trying to distract myself by writing this but my hands are shaking so damn bad that I can barely type. UGH! My breathing is pretty fast and I'm feeling dissociated. Gotta ground myself. Feel the keyboard...look at my hands...feel the blanket...deep breaths....hear the tv....wiggle my toes...run my finger up my leg...close my eyes...feel the rise and fall of my stomach and chest...move my neck side to side...I'll be okay...I'll be okay...I'll be okay.

Now think positve...I will do fabulous on my final. I will pass. I will not have a "freak out" and forget everything. I have studied. I will do great! I will remember everything that I studied. I will be okay...okay...okay.

Alright my heart rate is coming down. I'm getting back in touch with reality. I don't know if it's writing this and grounding or if my Serax is kicking in. Or a combination of both. I really don't know how long it takes Serax to work.

Alright it's now 11:13. I will get ready leave, be there early. Okay, wish me luck. I CAN DO THIS!!!

No point

What is the point in anything?

I have papers to write and a portfolio to do. What is the point?

Who cares about anything? Why am I doing this?

I don't see myself ever graduating from college. I don't see it. I don't see myself doing anything. I have goals, which a great sure but do I see myself ever accomplishing them? NO!

There is nothing, there is no point. I see no future. I am a failure at everything. I cannot bear to face the world and show my problems. No one cares about me. They want to convince me they are, but they aren't. They just want me to shut up and take my meds. Shut up and take my meds.