Hospital Experience

I know I said my next post would be overdose experience but I feel the need to post this first.


Before anyone comments that I need to go to the ER for my depression, let me explain my ER experience.

I've been to the ER 3 times for suicidal ideation. It's a waste of time in my opinion. You walk in, register at the desk an get your nice little bracelet. Your case is marked as either "emergent" or "urgent". Emergent is if you have a "threat" and urgent is if you're having thoughts. I was "emergent" after I asked my school counselor how much Advil was needed to die, and then they found 19 Advil on me (they searched my bags which...that's a different story). Either way you don't wait long in the waiting room, as it's a dangerous place there apparently. You're either put in a regular room if you'r urgent or you're in room 17 if you'r emergent. Room 17 has extremely bright lights, a camera, a big glass window...and you get the point, no privacy. You're not allowed to keep your clothing. If you're Urgent and you brought someone, they can stay with you. If you're Emergent and brought someone, they can stay AND you get a security guard outside your door. He doesn't smile. He doesn't speak except when he comes in and wands you (despite being in a hospital gown). If they believe you've taken something you get bloods drawn. I was, like I said, Emergent, and they didn't believe that I actually hand't taken anything so I got bloods taken. They thought I was a complete liar! You have to be cleared medically so that means a urine test no matter if you're urgent or emergent - they have to make sure you're not on drugs. One time I refused to give a urine test, and we had a hude irrational stand-off about it. I'm not sure why I refused as I wasn't on drugs or anything, hmmm. They notice your recent cuts, which you try to hide. The nurse comes in and invades your privacy to try to find hidden ones. Once you're cleared medically you get to talk to the on-call pdoc. He or she can or cannot be nice. My first time the pdoc wasn't nice, so I lied my ass off about the majority of how I felt. The second and third was nice. Dr. Z was really understanding, and he was the first one who told me that I wasn't alone in self-harming. You talk about how you feel, and then a large amount of your history...actually more about your history then anything. Then, if you're with someone, the pdoc goes and talks to them seperately (all the while you have talked alone with the pdoc). They tell them what to do to keep you safe, instruct them how to use the crisis hotline/911, etc etc. I don't actually know if they spill everything you just told them, but I suspect they tell quite a bit. And the thing is, everything you say goes on your hospital record, but everything they(the person you came with) say doesn't get taken down. So even if, like I did, you go get your hospital records nothing but your conversation is on there. After all the talking is done, you're sent home. Well most of the time. These are some points that I think would land you in IP(this lists considers that you've gone for suicidal ideation, not an attempt):
1. You brought pills/blades/etc with you to the ER
2. You tried or succeeded in attacking staff
3. You refused to comply with hospital staff (i.e. not giving bloods, not giving urine)
4. You tried to escape or run from the ER
5. You attempted suicide while in the ER
6. You're psychotic or not in touch with reality

Concerning Point 5, I was very tempted to do so. This was the same time I was "Emergent" and was put in Room 17. I had gotten my blood drawn and the nurse forgot to take little rubber tourniquet-type thing with her. It sat next to me. It stared me down. I thought about it and was about to reach for it when..."Oh look what she left here". Ah, no more opportunity to strangle myself. Although, thinking back, it would've been a bit hard. The bathroom was directly attached to Room 17 and there wasn't much in there to hang from...I believe they also timed you in the bathroom, when I came out (after finally agreeing to give a urine sample) the nurse was standing right there. Like RIGHT there. So that was a bit weird.

Back to the point, they usually send you home. They try to set up an appointment with your psychiatrist and/or therapist for the next day. If they can't do it, they leave you to do that. They also give you the number of their crisis line and tell you if anything happens they are there for you, there to help you, even if you just want to talk. And the you go home. Wasted 8-12 hours for nothing, except to be violated, watched, studied, and questioned.

This is why I do not go to the ER for suicidal ideation. I will never again do it...unless I'm physically forced into doing so.

This is not about my ER experience but with something I mentioned above - CRISIS HOTLINES. I was once again suicidal, this time a good few months after I had my last ER stunt. I decided, well, calling this crisis line wouldn't be so bad. I had called anonymous ones before and they were nice enough, but for whatever reason I wanted to call my local one. It seemed alright at first, they were nice. But it got to a point where they kept asking me what I had to live for. I was getting agitated (they knew I had pills and blades) and I glanced out my window the exact time two cop cars pulled in. I flipped out at the counselor on the phone and threw, literally threw, my phone across the room. I ran downstairs to find that the cops were already letting themselves into my house (I was home alone at this time). Next thing I knew my neighbor, a volunteer EMT, was at my door. She gave me a "hug" also known as secretly checking for weapons/pills/etc. She glanced at the one cop and he proceeded to question me. Had I hurt myself, had I taken anything, blah blah blah. Finally he cancelled the ambulance they had on standby. My mother comes flying down the road to the house. And yes, they DID call my mother. It's a small community we live in, everyone knows everyone etc. It's a bit foggy about what happened as I started dissociating. All I know is they cleared me and only one cop remained to talk to me. He told me he had depression after...something happened, someone died or he saw someone get shot or...I don't know but he had depression after that. We stood and talked and he eventually left. Don't remember how the rest of the day went after that. But to the point, local crisis lines trace your calls!!! Call an anonymous one, they are called anonymous for a reason! (((I also had a similar experience with calling Poison Control, I called because it was my first overdose of Advil, I had taken 7 or so and was afraid. I called asking about a "friend" and the lady got really concerned asking why would my friend do that and that I should call an ambulance. She asked if I wanted her to do it, I started getting anxious and said no, her mom is home and that I'd do it. We agreed and hung up. That might not sound scary, BUT, she called me later and asked how my friend was. SHE TRACED MY CALL! I said my friend was fine and thanks for helping. That was that, not as extreme but it scared me. Which is why I will never call Poison Control again either!)))

Anyway, that's my experience with the ER. Later I will talk about my overdose experience.

It's Sunday

It's Sunday. I have two papers to write and I don't feel like it.

I did in fact cut myself last night...I know, I know it's bad.

"Stand by for another breakdown"

Depression is a sucky thing. I told my mother about it, I said "I feel like I'm getting depressed". Here response "well that's bound to happen after the way you've been acting" and then "just think about school and do well on your finals". Is that all she cares about? My fucking finals? I don't really give a shit right now. Funny. When I'm manic I don't care, when I'm depressed I don't care.

I was talking to a few people online and they said perhaps I should go to the ER. Well, they don't do shit at the ER. They keep you for 8-12 hours. They make you talk to the on-call pdoc or therapist. And then they send you home. I've been when I was suicidal and they sent me home. I've been when I've overdosed and they sent me home. About 2 months ago I was in the ER for a mild overdose of diet pills and all they did was take blood and give me an EKG. I was even taken in an ambulance. I didn't get IV fluids or anything. In fact, I didn't even talk to an on-call pdoc. Go figure. I wasn't watched by anyone and was alone about 95% of the time. I got the feeling that I annoyed them. I finally was angry enough to ask to go home. It took about 15 minutes for the doctor to come and discharge me. I called a cab, went back to my dorm, and vomited until 2am the next day. I was unable to make it to class for the remainder of the week, and this was a Monday overdose.

If there's one thing I dislike about overdosing it is vomiting. I hate it so badly. This probably has to do with my previous overdoses and nearly dying because of vomiting. I'll talk about my experience with overdosing in the next post.

Anyway, I probably will take an overdose tomorrow. Of Excedrin PM. Nothing can stop me. I'm thinking irrationally here. I should tell someone. I know I should. I don't know what to do anymore.

Falling

So I was manic for nearly the last week. Now that I've taken my meds I feel tired and am getting self-harming thoughts. I'm getting thoughts of cutting, which honestly I'm going to do tonight. I'm not resisting. I want to do it and I will. I'm also having thoughts of overdosing. I want to take all my meds. Like just fuck it all. Also, on a more extreme level, I want to break a bone. I have some advil in my room, I think I might take it. Though it's not PM so I wouldn't get any side effects, ah it's pointless. I don't want to overdose on my Lamictal as I'll get really dizzy, my vision will go, and I'll vomit all over myself. Seroquel is a good option however I'll sleep for days and miss class which will end in me failing my English class. I can overdose on Excedrin PM when I get back to my dorm, so I might do that. Until then I'll just cut myself.

Okay, this is pretty bad. This is bad thinking, I know. I shouldn't be thinking like this. I don't know who to tell, I don't want to be taken to the ER and end up in a psychiatric ward. I in fact know the two on-call pdoc's at my local hospitals psychiatric ward. I've seen both of them before. They are complete idiots when it comes to medication. Especially Dr. P she's the one who put me on Zoloft and wouldn't listen to me when I was an "energetic suicidal". Dr. C listened to me a bit but didn't know what she was doing in regards to medication. She just rx'd the popular meds, I'm sure she was getting paid by the pharma companies.

So, yes, I'm falling into depression and I don't know who to tell. I should tell someone, tell them I want to harm myself. Ah well, I guess I'll just manage.

So I took my meds

I ended up taking my meds today. I guess I came to my senses, and I was forced into by my parents. Last night I was so screwy that they were thinking about taking me to the ER to be medicated but I complied with voluntarily taking my meds, so that ended that thought.

Anyway today I feel weird, well more tired that anything. Really tired, really really tired. I'm calm and my thoughts aren't racing thanks to the instant effects of my meds that act as an antimanic.

I'm trying to convince my dad to buy another guinea pig as we built a second level in their cage yesterday so there's more room now. I'm also going to talk about my social-networking-type-ish site. He's VP of business development at his work so he knows all about stuff like that. I'll see what he thinks.

I still have two papers to write. It's late right now, 4pm so I plan on doing that tomorrow. I can't believe this is the final week of classes before finals. I'm not that overwhelmed. I know alot of people get overwhelmed at the thought of finals, I don't. I figure it is what it is. I'll study and such but if I don't know it then I don't know it. Not a huge deal.

I'm excited about a month break. It's well deserved.

It's snowing and raining here right now. The snow is barely landing. I love the snow, it's so beautiful and pure. I think that it shouldn't be cold without snow, it frustrates me when that happens so the snow is a nice thing to see.

Reflection

I just took a good look at myself in the mirror. I'm incredibly pale. I look dead, I do. There's no color in me. Weirdly, I have no symptoms of feeling ill or tired for that matter. Is this a common occurance in manics? I wonder. Perhaps the body feels differently then the mind, perhaps this is a warning sign. Obviously a bit concerning when you look dead but your mind is racing faster than you can keep up with.

So what to hear some more manic-y-ness? I want to start 5 websites. One a placeholder for my eating disorder clinic - perhaps I could be a non-profit clinic? Hmm. Two for selling merchandise. One about guinea pigs - I'm planning on transforming my room at my house into a rescue. More on that later. And one a vast social-networking-type-ish site.

I do want to have my own eating disorder clinic. I struggle(d) with it myself. Been through anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating. Even had some odd behaviors such as chewing and spitting and purging without bingeing. I've been through the most of it, so I know what I'm talking about. I also know how I would want treatment. I never went into a treatment facility for my eating disorder, which I do regret to this day, but if I had I would want it a specific way. And since I hear awful reports from others I want to make my clinic the best. I want it to be a residential style facilty but also have a medical wing just in case....there's a BUNCH of other stuff I want it to be, just to wet your mouth I'll say that I want it to accomodate vegans. I have never heard of a facility doing this. And I know ALOT of those with eating disorders are vegan. I want to show people it is possible to get nutrition and to gain/maintain weight with veganism. I'm currently not a vegan, I'm a lacto vegetarian (despite being lactose intolerant) because I can't give up my ice cream and string cheese. I did for a good year but it's too damn yummy!

My next two sites will be merchandise/retail. One will be specifically for female paintballers (don't even ask how I came up with this as I can't explain it, all I know is that I'm drawn to it) and the other for highly unique clothing (think furry leg warmers as an example). After the sites are a success then a real store will open up in my home town...it would be so incredibly awesome to actually have a store. It will happen!

My next site will be about guinea pigs. As I mentioned above I want to turn my room at home into a guinea pig rescue (my room sits over a 3 car garage, it's plenty big). I want to build huge cages, think over 10feet long. I will rescure both male and female guinea pigs, there will be plenty of room. A thing I was debating, perhaps I should not operate as a rescue but rather an adoption home. Another part of me wants to become a breeder. I want to bread Silkies and Americans. Those are two types of guinea pig breeds, btw.

My last site, the social-networking-type-ish site I'm not going to explain. It's my idea, not yours. It's a fantastic idea, so huge and great you'll never guess it. It'll be the next big MySpace, FaceBook, Twitter, etc.

My parents are frustrated with me. After long discussions and me literally going off the wall (I was running and throwing myself against the wall) I decided to take my evening meds. My mom told me she didn't care if I slept 'til noon as long as I was using the weekend to get back on my meds. I guess I should probably be one them, shouldn't I.

bruise-y

I have an odd bruis above my knee. It's new...probably from yesterday. It's bruised in a circlular pattern. So it basically looks like a ring bruise. WEIRDING ME OUT!!! Did I wake up last night and do something and have no memory? Hmmm. Oh well!

Evening baby

"There is a chemical in your brain, it's pouring sunshine and rage"

It's TRUE!!!

Am becoming slightly more paranoid than before. The doorbell rang and I thought someone called the cops on me from reading this blog...riiiight.

Anyways...memory is losing it more. Meds level decrease insanity INCREASE. HELL YEA!!!!

I'm totally off the FUCKING WALL!!!

I LOVE IT!!!

"Let's live it up"